Why am I the way that I am? I tend to feel like I'm not enough, annoying, too much, or unworthy of good things. I wonder what made me wired to think that way.
I hate when my family gets into fights... it seems like it's happening more and more nowadays, and I don't like it.
Ofttimes, I feel like I shouldn't take up space. That I should fold into myself and stay silent. Yet, I can't help but speak out of place and do things incorrectly. Is it in my nature to oppose what I want with every fibre of my being? I don't know, but I want to take up space without feeling like a burden. To be free, to be loud, to do what I want to do. I don't want to be riddled with fear of being myself, when it's the way God made me. Sigh.
It's been a very emotionally draining week. With the fights between family and seperating from my home church, I'm emotionally exhausted. I took an everything shower with the new stuff I purchased from Walmart with my grant money in order to cleanse myself. I have such a headache right now, and I hope I finally get a small break emotionally this spring break. Probably not.
Yesterday, I talked to Felix about a novel idea I had loosely inspired by Scream and Riverdale. I'm excited to make progress on it as I genuinely enjoy the plotline. The style of writing I'd have to use is different than how I normally write (romcom is more my thing than murder), so it's a challenge that i'm willing to endure. Maybe I can complete a real story rather than RP plotlines.
I've been trying to be more spontaneous and make life more whimisical, like getting drinks and foods other than my usuals at restaurants, meditating each day, and watching cartoons in the morning. I love the idea of making different, fun choices.
It's quite windy today, and dust is everywhere. It reminds me that I'm glad spring is coming; I love every season but with Spring comes bright colours and more opportunities. Besides the dreaded week of finals, it's a good time to be in each year.
I am way too addicted to social media. As a result, I deactivated my personal and spam instagram, so I only have my edits/fandom instagram open as of now. I don't really use it though, so I'm not worried about using it to an addictive state. I gave people I chat to on there my discord and/or whatsapp. I hope to free myself. Hopefully I don't use TikTok more now, as I really don't want to have to delete it. I'll probably set a timer on it.
I'm having sonder at the moment. I equally love and hate the complexity of human nature. The way we're wired intrigues me to no end. The empathetic side of me wants to understand that people are they way they are due to their own traumas; However, the traumatized side of me wants to hate people for acting that way, when I don't act that way. But what if I do act the way I hate, and I'm just consciously unaware of it? What if I, too, am the staple "horrible" person, buried down deep inside of my brain and heart? I often wonder if I have evil within' me, especially when I get my bad intrusive thoughts. What consistutes a good and evil? It's subjective. So while I may be good in my own perspective, I might be evil in another. Such a thought, terrifies me.
I keep restarting this because I'm unsatisfied with my writing habits. I need to stop being so self-conscious on these things, but it's hard. It's supposed to be a 'thoughts' page, not a 'curated thoughts for others to look at' page. WHY do I feel that I need to pretend on a certain level? Is it that important? No.